I know I said I was done blogging. And if I look back at my last post, I said it was because it had served its purpose for me. Well, today I guess my post serves a purpose (even though it doesn’t have a point). I just wanted to share with you what I saw when I got off at the McPherson Metro when I met a friend for lunch.

I’m not a complete newbie to the city, but since I live out in the middle-of-nowhere DC (moving to Capitol Hill soon!), and I work out in Rosslyn, I don’t get downtown all that much.

I saw this:

I don’t think I need to explain the picture. I have to say though that it was a very poignant moment for me. How come I’ve never really noticed this before? Not that I’m getting all preachy and calling people to act, all I’m saying is that it moved me a bit. I’ve been reading a bit (on a very basic introductory level) about Buddhism, and maybe in some small way I’ve been seeing things differently, and (surprise!) been thinking less about myself.

Ironically enough (and it didn’t dawn on me until we sat down to eat and I was telling her what I saw), the girlfriend that I was meeting for lunch works for the National Alliance to End Homelessness.

I feel very fortunate, and I’m lucky to have the things I have, and I appreciate the people who have contributed in a positive way in my life.

I do believe this blogging experiment has come to an end. At one point, it served a purpose; maybe several purposes. I like to vent, I like to write about my thoughts, and I like to write about what I see in DC. Two of three of those things are really no longer feasible. Too many people I know, too many family members, and too many friends read my blog. I can’t write about anything personal, and really, the big reason I like to write is to vent my personal thoughts and issues. It’s my own fault it turned out this way.. too many blogger happy hours, and too many family members that just “found out” what I was up to. And honestly, I haven’t even had the time lately to keep up with it.

I would like to keep up occasionally my I See DC Blog, so that might be my new project. But as far as personal ramblings? I’ll stick to a diary.

She was on the potty, grunting, and she got all serious, as only a 4 year old could.

“Grrr..” She says. (Shes got a flair for the dramatic; wonder where she got THAT from?)

I don’t need to hear this.

“Peanut, I’m going to wait outside the bathroom for you.”

“No mom, stay here.” She ‘pushes’ a little more. “Mom, I’m going to be a princess when I grow up.”

“Sweetheart that’s great.” Ugh, I don’t want her believing in all that princess crap. Her latest obsession is Jasmine from Aladdin.

“Yup, my job is I’m going to be a princess. And mommy, you’re a grown up, right?”

“Yup.” I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with her while she’s pooping.

“So my job will be a princess, and your job is to be a mommy, right?”

Totally melted me.

I can’t believe I wrote a post about kids, growing up, and poop. Seems I’m at another level of blogging, here.

What is up with people and manners?

Phone Conversation:

Her: Hi, how’s it going.

Me: Fine. How are you?

Her: Good. Listen, I don’t like your lawyer. He should be doing x,y and z. Not z,y, and x.

Me: Ok, thanks for your input. We’ve had some conversations recently, so we’re on the same page.

Her: Ok, because really, I don’t think he’s doing a good job.

Me: Ok, thanks, really, all set.

Her: No really, he is doing you a dis-service.

Me: Thanks, you’ve said that three times. I’m all set.

My patience is running thin.

Her: Ok, just make sure you talk to him again.

Me: This is really NOT your business, I’ve told you I’m all set, why do you insist on talking and talking and not listening to me? Can’t you just be normal and pick up on social cues and realize that I’ve heard your input and I’m done talking and don’t want to talk about this anymore?

It’s not really the fact that she was bringing up my lawyer, and my personal life (though that it some of it.) If I WANTED to talk about it, I would bring it up. I didn’t bring it up. So I don’t want to talk about it. It’s the story of my life. She will repeat herself over and over and over again.

Do I think my lawyer is doing the best job ever? No, but unless this person wants to throw $3000 my way, there’s not much else I can do about this.

It’s not this conversation that got me upset, it’s the fact that we have the same conversation about different things all the time where she pries into my life without asking, and then continues to talk about it with me when it’s clear I don’t want to talk about it.

She doesn’t realize she’s having a one way conversation with herself, and that though she thinks she’s trying to help, it’s just further driving that wedge in between us.

Yes, I have writer’s block. So rather than writing, enjoy another of my hobbies - photography.

Maine at Christmas

The Stairs to Nowhere - Maine at Christmas

DC with snow in December

Days Go By

I wish I had the real music video for this song; this video is good on the surface, but doesn’t quite capture what this song makes me think about and feel.

Regardless, here it is:

Days Go By

I know it’s not fashionable
To be this hopeful,
Or laugh away.
I didn’t think it was possible
To be this grateful,
Any way.
And I know it’s not sensible
To be this passionate,
Everyday.

Days go by.
I catch myself smile
More than you’d ever expect.
It’s been a long while
Since it’s been okay
To feel this way.

In the volumes of history,
Have you ever seen anything
So pure?
In the wildest mythology,
Were the gods and goddesses ever
So in love?
In your own experience,
Have you ever known tenderness
Like this?

Days go by.
I catch myself smile
More than you’d ever expect.
It’s been a long while
Since it’s been okay
To feel this way.

And here I was thinking I was having a rough day..

Britney on lockdown 

Why do I care? I don’t. But I guess I don’t have it that bad after all. And I do feel bad for her kids.

me = overwhelmed.

From a relationship perspective, I had the best holiday vacation ever. I spent some time with MIS and it was relaxing and wonderful (and the Christmas gifts were beautiful!). The pace was slow, the people were fantastic, and in a lot of ways, I’ve never felt better. (I also spent some time with my family, which for the most part, was pretty decent!)

Then I came back to DC. Instantly, I feel like my blood pressure has gone through the roof. I haven’t been sleeping well at all, I’m exhausted, and I just feel extremely uptight. Yesterday was my first day back to work. It wasn’t awful, but it took a little adjustment. I feel snippy, and I don’t like being snippy. I don’t want to open my mouth and say something that I don’t mean.

I know vacation is SUPPOSED to be relaxing, but that doesn’t mean necessarily mean that coming back should be almost overwhelming.

Along with the holidays always comes the availability of free food or food you have to pay for that is way too readily available.

I swear, in the past week I have probablygained five pounds.

Free food I have eaten this week:

• Cookies
• Meatballs
• Kit Kats
• Reese’s
• Pad Thai Shrimp
• Stuffed peppers
• Beer
• Champagne
• Chips and dip and guacamole

Things I will probably eat this weekend:

• More Pad Thai Shrimp
• Steak
• More beer
• Cupcakes

How can I get this madness to end?

I hope when I fly next week, we actually make the runway this time.

That’s right. Last time I flew, we missed the runway, and had to pull up (rapidly) and “try again.” Although I don’t think they called it “missing the runway.” They said we were lined up improperly.  Umm, YEAH, I would say that’s an understatement. The weather was very poor, and it was cloudy for the entire descent. I heard the landing gear go down, and knew we must be close. Then, we were through the clouds, so low I could practically see the people in the cars on the ground below. And as I looked out, I said to myself, “Well there’s the runway.. Odd, since we should be going straight at it! And before I could analyze how wrong it all was, we were sharply climbing. Once we were back up, they made the announcement that we had to “try again.”  I’m not a good flyer. That didn’t help.

So next week, I will be taking an early-ass flight from BWI up north to see my family, and I am looking forward to getting away from DC for a few days. I do think DC is great and all, but I’m looking forward to throwing on some boots, hopefully trudging around in the snow, and spending some time with the peanut. I can only take certain members of my family for a limited amount of time, so I’m glad that portion of my trip won’t be for too much of an extended amount of time. Looking forward to seeing my sister and her boyfriend, and they’re just dying to meet MIS. We’ll see! Makes me a bit nervous. It’s been quite some time since I’ve brought anyone to meet my family.

So the only thing I have left to do it rent a car.. I think I’m going to use Priceline again.. I routinely get decent cars for uner $20 a day, and I’m hoping to find a good deal again. Was just going to get a small little something of a car, but since it snowed quite a bit up in MA yesterday, I’m wondering if I should go for something that can actually drive in the snow!

I’m looking forward to this trip with excitement and dread.. Excitement to get out of the city, see my daughter and my sister and her boyfriend.. go on a little road tip.. Dreading the flight, seeing other members of my family, and running into my ex. Those things I could do without.

So now I have a crazy week ahead of me! Several parties, massive amounts of laundry, and quite a bit of packing to do (why didn’t I mail those gifts ahead of time??)

That smacking noise as he chews with his mouth open is going to put me over the edge.

I know he’s young… 22 maybe? But didn’t anyone ever teach him that it is annoying and gross to chew with your mouth open? And does he HAVE to make that smacking noise?

I just cracked up reading about the teenager who prank called the White House.

“My call was transferred around a few times until I got hold of Bush’s secretary and managed to book a call meeting with Bush the following Monday evening,” Vifill Atlason, 16, told Reuters.

How did this even make the news? Oh, right, because when he called, he pretended he was Icelandic President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson. And he had a “special number” to the White House.

Maybe I should be appalled that he impersonated his own president to get through, but really, I’m just amused.

So he was questioned by Iclandic authorities about where he got the “special number” from. The White House held a press conference saying that he did not have a special line into the White House, but ABC News reports that Vifill gave them the number, which they in turned dialed, which was in fact a “special” number.

It is reported that he may have found the number while watching Jenna Bush dial it on a recent taping of the Ellen show.

I don’t know. I think this is all very amusing. I wish I had the number. I’d call, and ask him why he didn’t have a big ‘ole press conference announcing to the nation that he reauthorized the National Security and Homeland Security Presidential directive back in May. That’s right folks, in the case of an “emergency,” Bush can suspend the constitution and do what ever the hell he pleases. He can bypass all other levels of government at the state, federal, local, territorial and tribal levels, and thus ensuring total unprecedented dictatorial power.

Frankly, I want to know what Bush has up his sleeve. So Vifill Atlason, go ahead and make that number public!

In his own words.

I can’t say that I’m upset that this year is coming to a close. So in honor, below are my lists of 07.

In many, many ways, it has been the year from HELL. It has been the year to move on and start over, which is virtually impossible to do when you can’t make a clean break. So instead of a clean break, it’s been more of a “transition.” Transition sucks. There’s no black and white about it.. It’s all just a muddy gray area.

I would hate to say it’s been a waste of a year; that’s simply not true, but it has been exhausting. I’m physically tired, and emotionally overwhelmed.

Thankfully though, with all the muck I have been through, there have been some positive improvements and gains this year.

So here it is - the Worst & Best of 07, and my hopes for 08

The Bad:

• Divorce is never fun
• Trying to explain to a child why even though mommy and daddy still love you, they can’t live together anymore
• Lawyers
• Uncertainty
• Walking away with almost nothing (my choice)
• One of my best girlfriends passing away from sudden heart failure at age 25
• Spending more money than I make
• Job hunting for three months
• Trying to “learn” how to “date” again
• Throwing myself into “city life” and trying to adjust to a new set of social rules and norms
• Trying to share a 4 year old
• Having your ex tell everyone you pulled the rug out from under him, though the signs of trouble were there from almost day one.
• I am stressed by a lot of change all at once
• I live in Washington DC since June and still have not done the tourist thing yet since moving here.

The Good:

• I’m no longer in an unhealthy relationship
• I’ve learned a lot more about who I am and what I want
• I found a great new job with lots of room for growth and potential
• I make more money than ever
• I have physically removed myself from several situations in my “old life” that have caused me a great deal of stress for many years.
• I have learned that listening is important.
• I have opened up a bit more to new experiences and situations.
• I have met many new people and have made some really great new friends.
• I feel free. Not free from responsibility. Free to be myself. Whatever that may be.
• I volunteered, and want to do it again.
• I am in love.
• I started reading again, which is something I’ve always liked to do.
• I’m hopeful that next year I will continue to more solidly establish myself.
• I’ve learned that not all people communicate like I do.
• I’ve learned that my own inner happiness can’t be (mostly) dependent on others.

I wasn’t going to get a tree this year. Since I’m going up to see my daughter later this month, and with no kids around, it kind of seems silly to get a tree. Even MIS was kind if thinking it was a waste of time and money. Which is true.

But then Friday night, before the HH, I was walking to grab some dinner, and I saw it. A little Charlie Brown tree no more than two feet tall outside of a small grocery store. And I had to have it.

So yesterday, I grabbed MIS, and made him come with me to Cleveland Park to grab this tree. MIS, always patient with my antics, didn’t even grumble a bit. The tree was so tiny - $20 bucks, and that included the stand. On the way home, I stopped at CVS and bought lights, silver bead garland, and some candy canes.

I went home, and then promptly spent ten minutes trying to get it to stand up straight. (Mother f-ing tree!) And it was a chore trying to get the lights in. The tree was so small that a string of 100 lights was too long to put on. The garland was too long too.

When I was done, I plugged in the lights and, Viola! I took a step back, and looked at what I had created. It was a sight, that’s for sure. Nonetheless, I was beaming with pride (as MIS chuckled at me in the background.)

Who cares if it looked like this:

How do you stop a colleague from whistling, singing, and talking to himself? It’s annoying, and I can’t hear what I’m doing on the phone. I’ve tried joking, I’ve tried coughing loudly, but he doesn’t get the hint.

Also, he chews with his mouth open, so whenever he snacks, I hear that nasty smacking sound of the food churning in his mouth and his lips smacking.

Can you tell it’s Friday and I’m ready to go home?

Being bombarded with holiday songs before Thanksgiving is becoming more and more common over the years.

This past weekend, at Starbucks, I was waiting in line to order my Grande Skim Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha, and the Little Drummer Boy was playing over the speakers.

For no particular reason, this is one of my least favorite Christmas Songs of all time. Or maybe there is a reason. The song repeats the words par rum pum pum pum about 100 times. How clever. An Onomatopoeia. Effective? Maybe. Annoying? Definitely.
Now I understand that the birth of the baby Jesus is some pretty exciting news. I also understand that the little drummer boy is poor, and therefore has no gifts to bring. But who decided it would be wise for him to go on over and play his drums?

Because really, if the little drummer boy showed up at my stable after I gave birth asking the play the drums for the baby, I’d tell him to take a hike! “You’ll wake the baby, kid!”

And what about those three kings. Who helped them choose their baby gifts?

Frankincense for the baby? Why on earth would he need an aromatic resin obtained from trees of the genus Boswellia? No thanks, but I don’t think the baby has use for aromatherapy. How about a blanket?

Myrrh for the baby? I doubt it was for the baby. Supposedly Myrrh is used in an ointment for postpartum healing. Honestly, I’d be a little weirded out if some man I didn’t even know arrived with some special “ointment” for me to rub down there.

28 more days of this.

I am a raving lunatic. The past week or so has been insane for me. How, you ask? Well, I’ve been insanely bitchy. Tearing up (or all out crying) at all things emotional. Snappy. Short with people.

TMI alert for the next paragraph. 

I’m attributing it to my new BC. I’m in full-on PMS mode right now, and I have pity on anyone who dares get in my way. I’d welcome the opportunity to run into the crazy confrontational metro woman again; I’d have more than words for her this time around.

End TMI alert.

How am I going to get through the next few days?

• Well, Dexter was on last night. Dexter is my new favorite show. Dexter is the equivalent of chocolate. I’m only sorry there’s not another episode until next Sunday. (Is Doakes going to get it? How would Dexter cover it up? My guess, Dexter’s going to frame Doakes even more. Did you see Dexter get out his tools in the preview to the next episode? There was no plastic to be seen. He’s not going to kill Doakes - he’s going to put Doake’s fingerprints on his tools! Just my guess.)
• And as luck would have it, I have some very patient people in my life. That’s helpful.
• But really? I baked a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies on Saturday. I have been eating them nonstop. That’ll get me through.

So until I’m over the hump, I apologize in advance for anything stupid I might say, any unnecessary crying, or any unnecessary snapping at you.

And now, I’m going to go eat another cookie.

\

Pre-Thanksgiving Feast for your eyes.

In honor of being bored at work, here is a short photo album of people that I think are hot.

David Boreanaz and Hayden Panetierre

Need I say anything else? Tall, big, handsome, strong, nice hair.

And Hayden, well, she’s my girl crush.

Michael C. Hall

What can I say? He plays a hot serial killer killing serial killers.

Audrey Hepburn.

Beautiful.

Natalie Portman

Wearing Audrey Hepburn’s Dress. Natalie is my other girl crush.

Gabriel Byrne

Older? Yes. Hot? Yes.

Christian Bale.

There are no words.

Vincent D’Onofrio

Don’t ask me why. I just do.

Anderson Cooper

(Hey, he doesn’t have to like me back!)

Matt Damon

A spy with a gun. Hot.

Giselle.

‘Nuff said.

Ashley Judd.

Beautiful.

Whether or not to write about this subject is something I’ve been debating for a while. I don’t want anyone to take it the wrong way, and honestly, I don’t really want to catch crap about it. I just want to vent what my brain is trying to wrap itself around.

What is it I speak of?

Women’s Roles. (And do we have them?)

• Would the world run more smoothly if men and women had better defined roles?
• Even if it runs more smoothly, does that mean it is better?
• If women and men weren’t as “friendly” with one another, wouldn’t that leave a lot of less of that “gray area” that people seem to struggle with?
• Would it be better if men and women weren’t so close with one another?
• What would be lost if men and women weren’t close friends?
• What is the benefit of men and women having better defined roles?
• Would there be less gray area if men and women were more formal with one another? Calling each other Mr. & Ms. at work, or even on the street, etc?
• Why should women (or men) have roles they need to fill? Can’t we all just be who we want to be?

Almost.

But doesn’t it seem like no-one knows what to do anymore? And for a multitude of reasons?

This might be a reach, but just look at the internet; you almost don’t even have to have personal skills anymore to meet people. The problem with this is that when you actually DO meet the person, no one knows how to act around one another. I’m guilty of this myself. Hell, in a situation where I met a person in real life and have known them for years, I STILL have an easier time typing out an email and saying how I feel.

I frequent the 20 something and 30 something message boards on iVillage, and it just seems like 90% of the dialogue on there is about men, inner struggle between career vs. home, and just over all confusion.

In the 20 something hangout, it’s mostly confusion over men –
• Does he like me?
• I thought we were friends; now that he’s met someone else, he doesn’t talk to me
• Can we be “just friends” after we break up?
Or on the 30’s board:
• There’s not enough time in the day, between work, picking up the kids, making dinner, etc.
• I make more money than my husband
• I like to work, but I hate sending my kids to daycare when I could be home with them
• I’m 30, and stuck in my old ways, with my fancy career. How can I meet someone I can grow with when we both have our own lives already?
• My husband and I are just so set in our ways. Should we have a baby? I don’t want to give up my lifestyle.

As a mother, who was home for 12 weeks on maternity leave, I enjoyed every moment of being with the peanut. On the other hand, I was somewhat bored out of my mind. I looked forward to going back to work (in some small way.)

But on the other hand – would it make much more sense (if it was financially possible) to have one adult stay home with the children, and maintain the household while the other parent works? Sure, it’s “old fashioned,”, but did it work in some way.

Do men and women have to fight to be equal to one another, or can we just be complementary to one another? If we’re all fighting to fill the same roles, doesn’t that mean we’re spreading ourselves a bit thin? You can’t have two people working in a restaurant that BOTH cook and BOTH serve. That doesn’t make any sense. Have one person cook while the other serves, right?

I’m generalizing here, but sometimes the whole – “Women Unite! We can do anything men can!” attitude just pisses me off. Why do some women need to compare themselves to men? How about comparing yourself to…hmmm..yourself and your own goals? And isn’t it a bit unfair to generalize ALL women as wanting to be equal to men? Why put ME in that group? Did anyone ask me if I wanted to fight that fight and try to be equal to men? I don’t need to prove anything to anyone; I just want to be me. It’s not that I want to be repressed; I don’t. But is it so bad to try to work together rather than fight each other?

I’m not discouraging any women. If you want to go work your ass off through undergrad, then grad school, and get some high powered executive job, then power to you. Really. I think that’s great. Because it’s what you want to do, and because you CAN do it.

And in addition, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m all for women’s rights. I’m glad I can vote and own property and speak my mind. I’m not asking to be oppressed.

I mean, look. I hear so many women say – “I want equal rights!” So then have it. Pass the same physical tests as men in the military. Pass the same physical tests as men in fire departments. Why should the requirements be less strenuous for women? If there is a standard to uphold, then uphold that standard. Because let’s face it – when my house is burning down at 2am, I don’t give a damn who comes to put it out; so long as they can lift the water hose and maneuver all of their heavy equipment.

But let’s face it. Generally speaking, men and women are different on many levels, which is why I think being complements to one another might be a better approach than trying to compete with one another. We are chemically different. We are not the same.

I’ll admit it. I don’t have the answers.

• I LIKE to work, but when my peanut is here, I’d rather spend the time with her.
• I’ll offer to pay or pay half on a date, but absolutely appreciate when the man pays.
• Yes, I admit it. I like big strong men. Makes me feel safe. Are other women going to look down on me and say – look at her, she needs a man to feel safe. Maybe they will. And my response to that? Well yes, maybe I do like it. Is there anything wrong with that? Do I NEED it? No. But I want that. Is it ok to want that?
• I like to cook and entertain. (Maybe not so good at the cooking part, but I try.)
• If I haven’t worked as long of a day as a man I’m with, it would make me happy to know that I could have some dinner ready for him when he gets home. (Or take him out to eat.)
• I like chivalrous men.
• I certainly don’t want to be a man’s “property” or possession, but I do like that certain feeling of belonging and security.
• Why do I feel like I get shit sometimes for wanting to believe that a more “traditional” role might be better and less confusing? I can believe that, but it doesn’t mean you have to. I would never tell you that having some high powered career is wrong. It just makes me sad when I hear about everyone “juggling” life. Rather than juggle, let’s just complement each other.

Even now, I reread the post, and realize, I still don’t know. You can’t just define what’s right for women in general; everyone is different. So why do I need to even feel the need to discuss this? Can’t we all just do our thing? Am I just as bad as some of the women that annoy me by coming out and trying to blog about how I feel and how I’m trying to figure this all out?

After an invite from Asian Mistress, this past Saturday night I went down to the Lincoln Theater on U Street and caught a one night only performance featuring singer Julia Nixon. Julia was promoting the release of her new album, Keepin’ on Track.

For those of you who don’t know, Julia at one point starred as Effie in Dreamgirls on Broadway.

I arrived a few minutes early for the performance, and was able to spend a few minutes at the reception beforehand (open bar!) I had the pleasure of meeting blogger Asian Mistress for the first time, as well as bumping in to Listen to Leon and INPY.

The show was great – Julia has an AMAZING voice. Julia did not sing the music – she was the music. There is nothing that woman couldn’t sing, and with her four octave range, we got quite the sampling of her capabilities. The live band on stage was the perfect complement to her performance, and Julia had a voice that could make you cry. (I must say I did get a bit teary during a few of her numbers.)

Overall, a great performance.

Credit